The Fiscal Cliff ... Clavins

 

           Cliff Clavin's Theory of Beer

"A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, the slow and weak at the back are killed first. The speed and health of the herd keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

"In the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as its slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. Naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

"In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

If I think over my universe of friends, lady friends that is, it seems to me that we are pretty much split evenly onto both sides of the political aisle. Some of us may be closer to the outside edge, others in the middle and some directly on the aisle itself but regardless of position, here’s what I know. Not one of us would hesitate for a minute to cross over to the other side to help solve a problem. I’m not sure if this is the case with my husband’s circle, some of who like nothing better than to send barbed email blasts deriding the politics of anyone with whom they don’t agree. I’m not blaming the men; I just don’t find this among the women.

We’re not Pollyannas. We know who thinks what. We just don’t get into it. We know who they are, we know they’re good people and we know they enrich our lives. We know they’re voting for the other side – and they know that we know – but we don’t get into it. We’re not going to change each other’s minds, and if we discussed issues we might find that we actually agree more than we disagree, but we leave it alone. And, despite our differences politically, over the course of my lifetime we have been able to achieve great things, in the church, in the workplace, in the community and in the volunteer arenas in which we serve.

So, how is it that after three years of wrangling and - is it really? - 6 billion dollars spent on the election, that we find ourselves being “led” by the same group of “leaders” and perched in the same precarious position in which we were before? If you hired a crew to wash your windows, and all they did was argue about how to do it – and the windows never got washed – would you pay them? Would you sign a two-year contract to have them wash your windows? How about four years? Or six? Does the answer really take a lot of thought?

So, here’s what I propose. While the gentlemen in charge in Washington are doing their absurd dance to “prevent” the disaster that they created, and that they’ve been unable to correct even until now, the very last minute, I’ll pick six of my women friends, go to Washington, and solve it in a week. I’ll pick three on the right and three on the left. We’ll get Michelle Obama to stop and pick up the Californians on her way back from Hawaii with the girls. We’ll stay with friends in D.C. and we’ll find our own way home. We’ll get it done, I promise. And it won't cost you a dime.

Of course our egos won’t be involved, and we won’t be looking at polls to see what everyone else thinks we should do – that actually doesn’t seem to have worked too well. And we won’t be worrying about getting re-elected, getting lobbyist support, or kissing any asses, of either party. Our only concern will be doing what needs to be done. I even have a suggestion for what we should call our committee. The National Commission on Fiscal Responsibility and Reform. Too long you say? How’s this? Simpson-Bowles!

So, let's send those Fiscal Cliff Clavins from each end of Constitution avenue over to Georgetown for some beers. I’ll even pay for it. We’ll all be a lot better off.

The Best Sex I Ever Had, Who Really Killed JFK, and the Truth about UFOs

Sorry, but I needed to get your attention. It’s dangerous being confined to quarters with nothing to do but watch the Hallmark Channel (Christmas is past but the Marathon continues.)

Here’s what I’m pondering………..

Let’s say that your daughter is going to be married. As excited as you are about the wedding of these two young lovers, you have some concerns about the wedding plans. The happy couple has no money, and is already in debt to you by many digits. You are also in serious financial straights, as are your other 5 children, all of whom are dependent on you for some degree of monetary support that – despite tightening your belt - you are no longer able to provide.

The couple is planning a grand soiree with a large wedding party and many splendid activities surrounding the event, all which will take place in (of course!) Hong Kong! Most, if not all, of your daughter’s 10 bridesmaids are un- /or under- employed. The same applies to the 10 groomsmen. You are worried about their ability to afford this, and about your ability to go further into debt to make this happen. How does one pay for travel, clothes, lodging, festivities, décor, music, to and in one of the most expensive cities in the world? And what about the time off work for those lucky enough to have jobs? Oh, and did I mention that this this daughter has been married before? To the same guy?

Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

Well, what I’m thinking is, why in the hell are we spending money we don’t have, on an Inauguration for two guys who are already in office?

Please don’t call me names, because I have always thought this was a stupid practice. As someone born and raised in the District of Columbia, I love the political pomp and ceremony as much as anyone, and I love the excitement of an Inauguration, even if it’s not for my personal political choice. But why do this twice for the same people in the same office? There is no reason for a re-do other than political backslapping, and it costs money that we don't have and cannot afford to spend.

Please don’t tell me it makes money for the businesses in D.C. because it doesn’t. It actually loses money for them. Yes, it brings a lot of people into town but, guess what? There are always a lot of people in D.C. And it costs the D.C. government and the federal government a huge pile as well. Now, you may hear that the Inauguration is being paid for by the Inaugural Committee (the winning party solicits funds for this), and it certainly pays for some of it- maybe the “official” functions – but it’s not going to pay for the government workers who have time off because they can’t GET to work, or the infrastructure “fixes” that need to be done by the city to get the streets ready and looking like the capitol of the free world, and to clean up after it’s over. It doesn’t pay for the teachers who have time off because schools are closed. It doesn’t pay for the security necessary to protect all those folks on the west front of the Capitol, or watching everyone coming into and out of town via every possible method of transport.

Who pays for state and local politicians to join the celebrations? Who pays the hotel bills, the restaurant checks and the bar tabs for them? And, for what? To celebrate the exact same thing we paid for them to celebrate four years ago! If a state delegation wants to have a party I suggest it be a state with a huge budget surplus (there are still a few of those.) But if the State of California delegation wants a party, it had better be the Donner Party (I will volunteer to cater).

And how about the DC police? Does the Inaugural Committee pay for all the overtime required by these events, traffic control, drunken revelers (some of whom are office holders), building security, the fire department, the hospitals having to be ready for any and all emergencies? I don’t think so.

And if it happens to snow? You don’t even want to know.

I know that this is the way that we always do it, but does anyone ever think to ask “Why?” It’s not for legal reasons. I don’t remember the Oath of Office having an expiration date but, even if it did, I think there’s actually often/always a private swearing in before the public one – so why do we need a public one? Perhaps it’s just to celebrate with all those big donors who put the winners over the top. Let them come! Invite them to the White House! Have a sleep-over in the Blue Room! Let them try the Bowling Alley! Screen "Bedtime for Bonzo" in the Theater! Ply them with booze and cuisine! But let THEM pay for it.

I’m ok with paying for the post-swearing-in Lunch in the Capitol for the Congress, and if they want to have a Ball or two in the evening (this year they are cutting back to two Inaugural Balls from the 10 held last time) all right, but let the people attending pay for it.

Forget the rest! We don’t need the parade! Have you ever watched the Inaugural Parade? I didn’t think so. Guess what? It is a lousy parade! The TV coverage is 95% who’s in the Presidential Box, and 5% what’s parading by. The Rose Parade is less than three weeks earlier and THAT’S A PARADE! And it doesn’t cost us anything unless we’re attending it! If D.C. folks need a parade I suggest they wait until April 13 for the perfectly lovely Cherry Blossom Parade. The weather will be much better and a seat in the Grandstand is only $20 (please pay for it yourself).

Certainly, times have changed, but we need to make rational changes too. Both sides of the aisle can’t seem to find spending cuts to make. I suggest we cut this redundant wedding. I think the only person who can do this is the President himself. It’s his party after all. I know the financial impact it’s a drop in the bucket, but a lot of drops eventually fill that bucket up! Wouldn’t it be a great symbolic gesture? And there will still be plenty of opportunity in the next for years for Michelle to wear the clothes. He could spend that afternoon playing golf. And Hillary could get her hair done.